Volume 4 Chapter 23 The Thrust of the Blade
I wake up repeatedly, my consciousness fading in and out, as the intense pain strikes me. Throughout the battles I've experienced, there have been countless moments of pain, but this surpasses them all.
Usually, during combat when adrenaline is rushing, one doesn't notice the pain. But this is different.
The sensation of being sliced and diced from my fingertips to the top of my head continues endlessly.
Perhaps it's because this isn't my actual physical body. I can't become numb to the pain or die from shock. Occasionally, my brain is seared by unbearable pain, only to regenerate immediately. It's a cycle of agony.
But above all, that's not what hurts the most.
'Why did we have to die?'
'Why were we killed?'
'We just wanted to live in peace.'
"A-aggghhh―――――"
Anger, resentment, and sadness, the thoughts of hundreds, thousands of people, directly transmit to me.
Even my own sadness is overwhelming, but it's compounded by all the others. My heart is wearing thin.
There was a demon who died, leaving behind a family. A mother who lost her son. A woman whose fiancé was killed. A soldier who became a decoy for my sake.
Not everything was directly caused by me. But that doesn't matter to them.
Ah, that's right. There are so many things I want to say.
'I hate you.'
'I'm sorry.'
'I despise you.'
Even though they said so, I don't think those days of battle were wrong. The righteousness of that time was certainly there.
But I don't want to be a person who turns away from the sacrifices that were made. That's why I came here. Still...
"Ugh, uuu, guh..."
It's painful. What is this?
Why do I have to endure such words? Why do I have to experience such pain?
Since being called to Asteris, I've been enduring unimaginable pain, so why am I going through this?
My arm is severed, and the blade pierces through my abdomen and exits through my back. A lump of sticky blood rises from the depths of my throat, making it hard to breathe.
When I'm about to collapse, I'm impaled to stay upright, and then another blade descends from above. It truly feels like an endless hell.
Even if I apologize, I won't be forgiven. But you know, there's not much I can do. Even if they call me a hero, I can't do anything.
Now it's just empty words, but I really didn't want to kill demons. I was born and raised in Japan, and even killing a small animal was difficult for me.
But no one listened to such complaints.
It wasn't a situation where I could be heard. I had to adapt. Since the world doesn't revolve around me, I have no choice but to keep running in sync with its movements.
However, now that I'm exposing myself to the blade like this, I realize that it wasn't just me who had reasons. Demons and humans alike, everyone was fighting with something weighing on them. No one wanted to die. They just had a reason worth risking their lives for.
For someone like me, who has taken away the dreams of others so many times, it might have been a naive thought to want to assert my own desires now.
My resolve to face it is being worn away and fading.
Through the splatters of blood and the black blade, I see something floating.
It's a charm woven into the shape of a flower, Huumir. Lisha made it for me when we first met.
Why is it here? Before finding the answer, I reach out for it.
My nearly severed fingertips brush against Huumir and it falls.
"Ah!"
Enduring the pain, I take a step forward and manage to catch Huumir. It's just a simple bracelet, but it feels warm. Not a painful heat, but a warmth that spreads throughout my body.
'If Yuusuke-san has taken many lives in the past, I will bear that guilt as well. If you hate him, please hate him together with me. No matter what happens, I believe in Yuusuke-san.'
I heard a voice that shouldn't be audible.
It was Lisha's voice. It felt like a convenient delusion. If Lisha knew about the things I have done, she wouldn't say such things. After all, she is a girl who should have nothing to do with fighting.
And yet, the warmth that I felt in my hand doesn't let me call it a lie.
I even started to feel like Lisha was right in front of me, as if she really existed.
'You haven't changed at all, still reckless.'
'This is not just recklessness, it's simply foolishness. Thanks to it, we always end up cleaning up the mess.'
The voice that followed made time stand still.
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