Chapter 30 Yanashima Kanae, Afterward Part Two
After Tadayuki left, Kanae stood at the entrance for a while. Only now, from his attitude, did she truly grasp the maliciousness, recklessness, and foolishness of what she had done. Various regrets and reflections swirled in her heart.
Breathing heavily, she somehow moved inside, placing her hands on the wall for support. Peeking into the Japanese-style room, her father still seemed lost in thought.
Even if she wanted to convey today's events to her mother, she hadn't sorted things out herself.
12 million yen? Divorce?
Recalling the conversation from earlier, the meanings became clear one after another. The child in her belly moved. That vibration conveyed the reality.
The child had grown, reaching a point of no return.
If only she hadn't deceived Tadayuki, she wouldn't have considered giving birth to this child. Why did she even think about having this child?
──If this child can't make it, I can't either.
Her swollen stomach feels a bit uncomfortable. So, she decides to lie down next to her father, who is bowing his head in the Japanese-style room.
Perhaps because she hasn't been sleeping well lately, Kanae falls asleep.
Dreaming or half-awake, she hears her parents' voices from the next room.
"Disownment... Shame..."
"Tadayuki-kun... Facing others..."
"A large sum of money..."
Ah, because of her, her parents are arguing.
It seems like her father is trying to convince her mother. She will probably be driven out with this child.
It can't be helped.
What should she has done? Of course, she should has honestly told everything. To her parents and Tadayuki.
But even if she had been honest, could she have made the decision to give birth to this child?
She doesn't know. It feels like she couldn't have.
Without a father— at least, Takashi wouldn't raise this child with her.
Just like last time, he must chose abortion this time.
As she thought so, she had a dream.
That maybe, Tadayuki could become this child's father.
Because he always accepted her selfishness.
Perhaps this time too...
Somewhere within, she must have been thinking such things.
It's understandable to be angry. But now...
――I just don't want to think about anything anymore.
She become aware that her sleep is growing deeper.
Therefore, this is probably a dream.
Amidst her mother's quietness, she heard a voice filled with strength.
"――I will protect that child."
* * *
"Yanashima-san, it's a healthy girl!"
From the onset of labor to the birth, everything progressed smoothly.
Even so, it was a difficult time.
Her new baby was born, but she was still tired.
She held the baby in her arms, feeling the weight. She wondered how to care for this child.
The child, born as a result, caused problems for others and hurt many. She couldn't shake the feeling that she was burdening the child with something, not just herself.
* * *
...Three months after giving birth.
"If you stay cooped up forever, you'll get sick, you know?"
Invited by her mother, Kanae decided to go out.
She didn't ask about the destination.
Neither her father nor mother explained how they managed to come up with the money for Tadayuki.
"It's not something you need to worry about."
That's her father said.
She always feel a sense of inferiority to her parents and can't bring herself to talk to them much.
Her mother too, makes an effort to behave cheerfully.
Now, rocked by the car her mother is driving for about an hour.
The car entered Hagi City, famous for its pottery.
"We've arrived."
"...I know this place. I came on a bus trip in elementary school."
Matsushita Village School.
A private school opened by Yoshida Shoin, known to everyone in Yamaguchi Prefecture.
It produced many key figures in the Meiji Restoration.
Together with her mother, pushing the baby stroller, she saw a stone monument.
"Kanae, do you know this?"
"Yeah, I've seen it before... we also learned about it in class."
Yoshida Shoin's death poem.
It is said to be a poem he recited to his parents on the morning of his execution.
"Can you read it?"
"Right. 'Parents' love for their child is greater than that of a child to his parents. How will my parents grieve to hear of today?'... right?"
"Do you know what it means?"
"I know, I know. It means that the parents love their children more than the children love their parents... so it's hard to think that their parents will be very sad if they know that they are going to be executed... something like that, right?"
"That's right. But, when I was pregnant with Ryuya, your father brought me here and told me. This might be the ideal image of a parent and a child, but it's a lie."
"A lie...?"
"Yes. Your father, because of his profession, he deals with crimes and kids who go astray, right? That's how he knew."
"What did he know?"
Her mother stopped talking for a moment and stroked the baby's head.
She feels like her mother has aged a bit after this incident.
Even so, she smiled at her grandson and continued.
"Children, they always want to be loved by their parents. They want to feel that they are loved by their parents. Because, there are so many people who suffer without being loved by their parents, aren't there?"
"To feel that they are loved by their parents..."
Kanae remember that he also told her that.
The reality of child neglect and abuse is that not all children are loved by their parents.
If it's like that, this phrase is an ideal, and by no means a truth that applies to everyone.
“That's why your dad said. Even if you can't do anything, let's make sure the child born feels loved. But when Dad started talking about disowning you, Mom got a little angry.”
“Mom…”
“So, Kanae, make a vow here. Love this child with all your heart. If you're not confident that this child can feel loved, then let go of the child. Entrust this child to a family that will love them. Mom will help as much as possible, but you're the only parent for this child. Can you make that commitment?”
Her mother continued to gaze steadily. After taking in that gaze, Kanae looked at her child. Returning the gaze to her mother, Kanae poured out her feelings.
“I... I made a lot of mistakes, hurt and caused trouble for many people, including Tadayuki, but still...”
With overflowing emotions held back, tears streamed from Kanae's eyes. Even as she covered her face with both hands, words continued to flow.
"When this child was born, coming into my life, I felt grateful. So, I'll do my best... I swear, I swear to love this child with all my heart, because, despite my constant mistakes, they came to me."
Holding the sobbing Kanae gently, her mother nodded.
"Let's do our best, but I won't pamper you like before. I'll be strict. You're a mother now too."
"Y-yes..."
While confined at home, the season had fully transitioned to winter. Under the cold sky, in the endless warmth of her mother's embrace, Kanae renewed her vow.
——I will become a mother like her mom.
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