Volume 6 Chapter 18 The Moon
I really wanted to be loved.
That was the worst memory I have.
Since I was little, my father only called me by my brother's name, Rail, and my mother paid all her attention to Rail.
My father told me, "You're a failure. If you hadn't been born as a twin, Rail might have been even better. You're just Rail's spare."
Even as a kid, I thought of myself as useless, so I decided to study twice as hard as Rail to get recognized.
I went to the library every day, desperately trying to read words I couldn't understand in the dictionary.
Rail was the kind of kid who would run around in the garden when he wasn't with his tutor.
But still, he always had better grades than me.
It must be a difference in talent.
He was just naturally good at things. It made me feel like my hard work didn't matter at all.
After making my brother perfect, it felt like I was just leftover material used to create a twin.
If that's true, then my existence is pointless, I thought.
Still, I wanted to be loved.
I wanted my father and mother to see me.
Even if they didn't look at me, I just wanted to hear them say, "Roxas, you're a good boy."
I wanted to be praised.
Just once would be enough. I wanted to be patted on the head. Just once, I wouldn't mind.
I realized my own power during all of this.
It wasn't the usual magic like fire or water. It was something special.
Something only I could use, something unique.
"Mother...!"
I wanted to show my mother.
She would surely be happy. She would smile at me and say I was great and a good boy.
I ran straight to the garden where my mother and brother were.
My brother had invited me many times to join him for tea with mother, but I never felt like going.
Seeing my mother only look at my brother and talk to him made me feel even more miserable.
"Mother, look!"
In the garden, there were colorful anemone flowers that my mother loved, blooming everywhere.
I only needed to use magic on one flower.
"Roxas, what's wrong?"
My mother looked surprised and didn't say anything, while my brother started talking to me.
I must have been really excited. For the first time, I felt like I had something to be proud of.
I could be special.
Even a failure like me could be special.
"Roxas...!"
I held my hand over the flower. I only needed to use magic on one, but my unfamiliar power overflowed from my palm.
My magic took away the life of all the flowers in my mother's beloved garden.
The flowers wilted, dried up, and dropped their petals──leaving only brown stems.
The beautiful garden was completely ruined.
"...No, what have you done...!"
My mother screamed in a voice filled with despair.
With wide, terrified eyes and a pale face, I realized I had messed up.
"What happened!? What is this...?"
The servants gasped in shock.
And someone must have called for him, because my father came out of the house, shouting angrily.
I trembled as I looked at the ruined garden, realizing my mistake.
I knew it. I really am useless.
Nothing ever goes right for me. I'm a failure.
"Roxas, it's okay."
My brother, who had come to my side without me noticing, took my hand.
When he held his hand over the ruined garden, it quickly returned to its beautiful state, filled with blooming flowers.
The anemone flowers received light on their petals and bloomed in all colors.
The black anemone flowers in the center looked to me like many eyes staring at me.
So many eyes were watching me. The failure, the useless me.
"...Rail, that's amazing...!"
"What an incredible power!"
"...No, it's not just me who's amazing."
My brother always tries to protect me.
He was doing that again at that motherent.
But I felt an endless shame, and I thought it was pathetic and foolish to want even a little recognition. I decided I would never expect anything from anyone again.
My power takes life away. It takes time away.
My brother's power brings time back. It gives life.
I'm not good at anything and can only take lives.
The power of taking lives, Soul Stealing (Dakkon)──I won't use it. It's something to hate.
Having this power made me have unnecessary hopes. I showed unnecessary shame.
I wish I didn't have this.
That's how I felt.
Even though I wasn't good at things, I wasn't struggling in life.
The Duke family was scared of me, but that was it.
I wasn't being denied food, clothes, a room, or an education.
What more could I want?
If I accepted it, it was easier to deal with. Plus, I had my big brother.
He was always kind to me. Even though he liked to be outside, he would nap next to me in the library all day, do exercises, or talk about random stuff.
──Roxas, when I take over the Duke family, you'll be free.
──You want to be a hero, right?
──Yeah. Look, Roxas. Heroes are cool. They defeat dragons.
My brother said that books with a lot of words made him sleepy, so he often read picture books for kids.
When he found a story about a hero, he would excitedly tell me about it and show me the pictures.
I didn't really like those silly stories.
They weren't useful. Reading history books, encyclopedias, or language books was way more helpful.
"But... it might be impossible to take over the Duke family or become a hero."
My usually cheerful brother whispered this with a hint of pain.
Sitting across from him in the quiet library with sunlight streaming in, his face looked unusually pale.
"...I think I'm sick. Day by day, I can't eat. Now, I get out of breath just from running a little."
──Why didn't I notice?
That my brother looked more worn out than before. His silver hair and pale skin looked even whiter.
"...No way."
My brother had the White Moon disease.
And my father, who cared so much for my brother, casually said, "Rail is no good. Roxas, you'll take over the Girard family."
That was a long time ago.
It didn't matter. I thought I was a good adult and wasn't holding onto the past.
But when I talked to my father──even if he apologized now──
I felt anger bubbling up inside me.
It felt like the younger me was still there, the one who was told he was useless and unwanted, glaring at my father who abandoned Rail, filled with hatred.
* * *
"...Sir Roxas, are you okay? Um, was this the right thing to do? I'm worried I did something unnecessary..."
When I returned to my room after talking to my father, Lydia asked me.
Just hearing her voice made my irritation fade away.
"That's not true. ...Because you were here, I could talk to Father and Mother. Thank you, Lydia."
Right now, the angry child inside me seems to be asleep.
I know the situation and feelings of my parents──it doesn't mean I've forgiven everything or that I understand it all.
Still, thinking that I could follow my father without being obedient to my role made me feel lighter.
For now.
I don't want to return to reality. I want to stay close to Lydia, who cheerfully calls my power "useful for stew" and "daikon magic," and enjoy her adorable presence.
With my brother. Even if it means escaping from my role. I want to savor a little more happiness, as if I could regain the lost time.
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